What Are Some Notable Apple Reviews on Apple Rankings?

Apple Rankings (applerankings.com) is a humor-driven review site by comedian Brian Frange that scores munching apples on a 100-point scale and gives each variety a nickname. The most notable reviews are the top-scoring apples — SweeTango at 95 ("The Holy Grail"), Lucy Glo at 93 ("The Breathtaking Circus Freak"), and a cluster at 90 including Pink Lady ("The Cover Girl"), Ludacrisp ("The Dirty South Rapple"), and SugarBee ("The Future Queen"). Below are the entries worth knowing, grouped by how the site rates them.

The top tier (90+)

SweeTango sits alone at the top as the site's "Holy Grail," with Lucy Glo close behind. The 90-point group is where several widely available varieties land, so this tier is the most useful if you're deciding what to actually buy.

The "Excellent" band (80–89)

• Cosmic Crisp — 88, "The Hype Machine." A high score paired with a nickname that signals skepticism about its reputation.
• Kanzi — 85, "The European Party Apple."
• Honeycrisp — 83, "The Queen Mother." A famous, influential variety that the site treats as royalty but not as the champion.
• Envy — 82, "The Guilty Pleasure."
• Kissabel Rouge — 81, "La Pomme de Triomphe."
• WildTwist — 80, "A Famous Person's Child."
• Opal — 77, "A Juicy Ass." (Listed under "Very Good.")
• SnapDragon — 77, "The Paper Dragon."
• Rave — 75, "The Knockoff Brand Honeycrisp."

This band is where the site's comedic voice does the most work: the nickname often carries the review's real verdict. "The Hype Machine" and "The Knockoff Brand Honeycrisp" both tell you the apple is good but overrated relative to its billing.

The middle of the pack (60–74)

The site labels this range "Pretty Good," "Mediocre," or "Barely Worth It." Notable entries:

• GoldRush — 74, "A Goldmine of Flavor" (top of the "Pretty Good" group).
• EverCrisp — 72, "The Jawbreaker."
• Braeburn — 71, "The Civil Rights Apple."
• Ambrosia — 70, "The Chosen Apple."
• Jazz — 69, "A Disharmony of Flavor Notes."
• Gala — 68, "The Base Model." A widely sold apple framed as the plain default.
• Hunnyz — 58, "The Worst Named Apple."
• Top Secret — 58, "A Dead-End Conspiracy Theory."

The bottom of this band is where the humor turns into a warning — a 58 with a nickname like "The Worst Named Apple" is the site telling you the variety isn't worth seeking out.

How to read the reviews

Two things make the site's reviews distinctive:

1. The score is the verdict; the nickname is the argument. A high score with a mocking nickname (Cosmic Crisp, Honeycrisp) means "good, but not as good as its fame suggests."
2. The tiers are explicit. The site sorts apples into Top, Average, and lower bands with labels like "Nearly Perfect," "Superb," "Excellent," "Pretty Good," "Mediocre," and "Barely Worth It," so you can scan by band rather than read every entry.

If you only want a shortlist, start with the 90+ group and work down through the "Excellent" band — that's where the site's strongest recommendations and its sharpest commentary overlap.