Who Is The Appleist Brian Frange and Why Does His Apple Ranking Matter?

Updated

Brian Frange is a comedian who reviews and ranks munching apples on applerankings.com under the name "The Appleist." His rankings matter if you want a fast, opinionated shortlist of which apple varieties are worth buying — but they are one person's taste, delivered with comedy, not a lab-tested or industry-certified standard. The site itself calls the list "the industry-standard, definitive, inarguable guide," a claim that is part of the joke as much as a description.

What the site actually is

Apple Rankings is a single-purpose review site: it scores apple varieties and sorts them from best to worst. Each entry pairs a score out of 100 with a nickname and a short review. The tone is comedic and blunt, and the scoring is subjective — the value is in the consistent voice and the quick comparison across dozens of varieties, not in any published methodology.

The top of the list

The highest-scoring apples on the site, with their scores and nicknames:

Apple Score Nickname
SweeTango 95 "The Holy Grail"
Lucy Glo 93 "The Breathtaking Circus Freak"
Pink Lady 90 "The Cover Girl"
Ludacrisp 90 "The Dirty South Rapple"
SugarBee 90 "The Future Queen"
Cosmic Crisp 88 "The Hype Machine"
Kanzi 85 "The European Party Apple"
Honeycrisp 83 "The Queen Mother"
Envy 82 "The Guilty Pleasure"
Kissabel Rouge 81 "La Pomme de Triomphe"

Below that, the site drops into "Excellent," "Very Good," "Pretty Good," "Mediocre," and "Barely Worth It" tiers — Gala, for example, sits at 68 as "The Base Model," and several named varieties land in the high 50s.

How to use the rankings

  • Treat them as a shopping shortlist. If you see SweeTango, Lucy Glo, or Pink Lady in season, the site's position is that you should try them.
  • Read the nickname as the verdict. The score gives you the ranking; the nickname tells you why in one line.
  • Check the tier, not just the number. A 90 and an 88 are close; the gap between "Superb" and "Barely Worth It" is the part that changes a purchase decision.
  • Expect strong opinions. A low score reflects one reviewer's palate, and varieties you like may sit lower than you'd expect.

Where the rankings are weak

There is no stated scoring rubric, no blind tasting, and no sourcing or growing-condition data. Two apples from the same variety can taste different depending on origin and season, and the site does not account for that. Use it as a starting point for what to pick up, then judge with your own taste.