What to Do Instead of Sending Flowers When "In Lieu of Flowers" Is Requested

When a family writes "in lieu of flowers," they are not asking you to skip expressing sympathy—they are offering donations as an additional option. According to funeral director Steve Schramka of Schramka-Densow Funeral Home in Thiensville, quoted on InLieuOfFlowers.info, the phrase "doesn't mean not to send flowers. It just means that donations are another option." If a family truly wants no flowers, they typically use the wording "please omit." So your first move is to read the exact phrasing, then choose a gesture that fits both the family's wishes and your relationship to them.

First, check what the family actually asked for

The wording matters more than the general custom:

• "In lieu of flowers" — donations are welcome as an alternative, but flowers are not ruled out.
• "Please omit flowers" — the family is requesting no flowers; choose a donation or another form of support.
• No mention of flowers at all — some families deliberately say nothing "so as not to dictate how others express their sympathy," per Schramka. In that case, use your own judgment.

Todd Van Beck, a funeral director quoted on the same site, frames it this way: families "should be free to express themselves in the manner which best conveys their emotions," and any expression that results from being dictated "ceases to be an act of the heart." The practical takeaway: the family's stated preference sets the boundary, and your choice should feel genuine within it.

Options besides flowers

Donate to the charity or fund the family named

This is the most direct response to "in lieu of flowers." The obituary or funeral notice usually names a specific organization, fund, or cause. Donate there, and if the family is tracking gifts, include your name and address so they can acknowledge it. If no charity is named, you can ask the funeral home or a close family member what the family would prefer.

Give a memorial plant or tree

A living plant or a memorial tree is a lasting alternative when flowers feel impractical or when the family has asked for no cut flowers. It also suits families who want something that keeps growing rather than something that fades in a few days. Check first whether the family has space for it or wants to plant it—otherwise it becomes one more thing to manage during a difficult time.

Offer practical, non-floral support

Not every gesture needs to be a purchase. Depending on your relationship with the family, useful options include:

• Bringing or arranging meals during the funeral week
• Helping with errands, childcare, or pet care
• Assisting with transportation for out-of-town relatives
• Taking on a specific task the family mentions they're struggling with

These are often more valuable than any object, and they don't conflict with a "no flowers" request.

Choose a personalized tribute

If you knew the deceased well, a tribute tied to their interests or your shared history can mean more than a standard arrangement. The site's own resources include guides on tribute preferences by state and by relationship, which can help you match the gesture to the family's expectations rather than guessing.

How to decide

A note on why flowers still matter

The site's own research section points to flowers' role in emotional well-being during bereavement, and it argues against treating flowers as "impractical." That context is useful if you're weighing whether to send flowers anyway: "in lieu of flowers" opens a second option, it doesn't close the first. If you want to send flowers and the family hasn't said "please omit," you are not violating their wishes.

What to avoid

• Don't assume "in lieu of flowers" means "no flowers"—that's a misreading of the phrase.
• Don't send flowers when the notice says "please omit."
• Don't donate to a charity the family didn't name without checking, unless you're confident it reflects their wishes.
• Don't let the choice of gesture delay your response; a timely donation or offer of help matters more than picking the perfect option.

If you're unsure, the safest path is to ask the funeral home or a family member what would actually help—and then do that.