Why Flowers Matter in Times of Bereavement

Flowers matter in bereavement because they give people a way to express sympathy when words fail, and because they serve a practical emotional function: they bring comfort to the grieving and give mourners something to do with their hands and hearts. This applies whether or not a family has requested donations instead. As funeral director Steve Schramka of Schramka-Densow Funeral Home in Thiensville puts it, the phrase "in lieu of flowers" doesn't mean not to send flowers — it just means donations are another option. Only "please omit" is a request for no flowers.

What "In Lieu of Flowers" Actually Means

The distinction matters because it changes what you should do:

Some families deliberately say nothing, Schramka notes, so as "not to dictate how others express their sympathy." That silence is itself a form of respect for individual expression.

Flowers as a Nonverbal Form of Sympathy

Not everyone can articulate grief or condolence well. Flowers carry the message without requiring the right words. Funeral director Todd Van Beck frames the underlying principle this way:

"Families deserve the right of complete freedom of expression at time of death. People are not cut from the same spiritual or emotional mold. Therefore, they should be free to express themselves in the manner which best conveys their emotions. Any expression which is the result of dictate, ceases to be an act of the heart."

That last point is the practical one: sympathy that is prescribed by someone else's rule stops feeling like sympathy. Flowers work precisely because they are a chosen gesture rather than a required one.

The Role of Flowers in Funeral and Memorial Services

Flowers have a long-standing place in funeral services, and the site treats that history as substantive rather than decorative — it links to dedicated resources on the history of sympathy flowers, sympathy etiquette, tribute preferences by state, a tribute guide by relationship, and a glossary of sympathy terminology. In practice, flowers at a service:

• Mark the space as one of mourning and remembrance
• Give the bereaved visible evidence of how many people cared
• Provide a focal point for visitors who feel awkward about what to say
• Remain with the family after the service as a continuing presence

Research on Flowers and Emotional Well-Being

The site's own framing is that flowers help emotional well-being, and it devotes sections to research on the importance of flowers in bereavement and on flowers' effect on emotional health. The argument it builds is that flowers are not merely ornamental at a funeral — they do measurable work in supporting the grieving process. If you want the underlying studies, the site's research sections are the place to start rather than a summary here.

What This Means for Your Decision

• If you're the bereaved family: you are not obligated to request flowers, request donations, or say anything at all. Choosing silence leaves the decision to each person who wants to express sympathy.
• If you're the mourner and the notice says "in lieu of flowers": sending flowers is still appropriate. Donating is also appropriate. Neither cancels the other.
• If the notice says "please omit flowers": respect it. Send a donation, a card, or a meal instead.
• If you're unsure: flowers are rarely the wrong choice unless explicitly declined, because they express care without demanding anything back.

For the etiquette of specific situations — what to send by relationship, regional tribute customs, and the vocabulary of sympathy — the resources linked from InLieuOfFlowers.info cover those cases in more detail than a general rule can.