What Is the Etiquette for Expressing Sympathy When "In Lieu of Flowers" Is Mentioned?

"In lieu of flowers" is an invitation, not a prohibition. According to funeral director Steve Schramka of Schramka-Densow Funeral Home in Thiensville, quoted on InLieuOfFlowers.info, the phrase "doesn't mean not to send flowers. It just means that donations are another option." If you want a firm rule: follow the family's stated preference if they gave one, and if they said nothing, use your own judgment about what best conveys your sympathy. The only clear etiquette error is treating the phrase as a ban on flowers when the family never asked for one.

What the phrase actually means

The distinction that matters most is between two different requests:

The source notes that some families deliberately say nothing "so as not to dictate how others express their sympathy." If you encounter an obituary with no floral instruction at all, that silence is a choice, not an oversight.

Why families phrase it this way

Todd Van Beck, a funeral director quoted on the same site, frames the underlying principle: "Families deserve the right of complete freedom of expression at time of death. People are not cut from the same spiritual or emotional mold." The practical takeaway is that a donation request often reflects something specific — a cause the deceased cared about, a medical charity connected to their illness, or a preference for memorial funds over perishable arrangements. It is not a judgment about flowers as a gesture.

How to respond: step by step

1. Read the obituary or funeral notice carefully. Look for the exact wording. "In lieu of flowers" and "please omit flowers" lead to different actions.
2. Identify the designated recipient if one is named. Donation requests usually name a specific organization, fund, or address. Send there rather than choosing your own charity.
3. Decide between a donation, flowers, or both. If the wording is "in lieu of flowers," either is appropriate. If it is "please omit flowers," skip the flowers.
4. Send a sympathy card or personal note regardless. This is the part that is never optional. A donation receipt is not a substitute for a message in your own words.
5. Time it reasonably. Donations and cards can arrive before or after the service. There is no strict deadline, though sending something before the funeral is generally more useful to the family.

The card matters more than the mechanism

Whether you send flowers, make a donation, or do both, the accompanying message is what the family keeps. A few practical points:

• Write something specific about the deceased or about your relationship with the family, even one sentence.
• If you made a donation, say so briefly and name the organization — it tells the family their request was honored.
• Avoid explaining why you chose a donation over flowers, or vice versa. That turns your gesture into a statement about the family's request.
• Do not include conditions, suggestions, or advice about the family's arrangements.

Common mistakes to avoid

• Treating "in lieu of flowers" as "do not send flowers." The source is explicit that this is a misreading.
• Sending flowers when the notice says "please omit flowers." This is the one case where the family made a direct request, and overriding it creates exactly the discomfort the request was meant to prevent.
• Donating to a charity of your own choosing when the family named a specific one. The designation is the point.
• Sending only a donation confirmation with no personal message. The family receives a notification from the organization, but it carries no warmth.
• Assuming the family wants silence from you because they asked for donations. The request concerns the form of the tribute, not whether you reach out.

A reasonable default

If you are unsure, the safest combination is a modest donation to the named organization plus a handwritten card. If no organization is named and the notice says "in lieu of flowers," flowers remain entirely appropriate — the phrase was never meant to take that option away.