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What is Bonus Families?
Bonus Families is a nonprofit organization that supports divorced or separated parents and their combined households. Its central idea is the “bonusfamily”: technically a stepfamily, but not defined by marriage. Instead, “bonus” describes a commitment among all parent figures—including exes—to cooperate for the children in their care. The site frames the shift as deliberate: “step” is often heard as lesser or negative, while “bonus” is meant to signal love, empathy and respect.
The site is aimed at parents, stepparents, ex-partners and relatives navigating co-parenting or blended-family life. Its featured material includes Dr. Jann Blackstone, who coined the “bonus” term and writes the Ex-Etiquette articles on breaking up, starting up and co-parenting, plus the book Co-Parenting For Dummies.
A practical next step: if you are in a high-conflict separation, start with the Ex-Etiquette articles rather than expecting a quick fix. The useful test is whether the adults can agree on one child-focused rule at a time—for example, consistent bedtime or handover communication—before attempting broader family rituals.
How is a bonusfamily different from a stepfamily?
A bonusfamily is a stepfamily in structure but not in attitude. Bonus Families defines it as a family where the adults are not necessarily married, and where everyone — including exes — commits to cooperating for the sake of the children. "Bonus" is a state of mind you earn, not a label you get automatically when a parent remarries. When that commitment holds, stepmom becomes bonus mom, stepdad becomes bonus dad, and step-siblings become bonus siblings.
The site's reason for the new word is the baggage attached to "step." Phrases like "red-headed stepchild" carry neglect and second-best connotations, so the organization promotes "bonus" as a model built on love, empathy and respect for differences. The difference, then, is less about family structure and more about whether the adults choose cooperation over conflict.
What actually changes
| Dimension | Stepfamily (traditional framing) | Bonusfamily |
|---|---|---|
| Marriage required? | Usually assumed | No — married or not |
| Membership basis | The parents' new relationship | A commitment by all parent figures, exes included |
| Tone of the label | Often negative ("wicked," "second best") | Deliberately positive, earned through cooperation |
| Who does the work | Often the stepparent alone | Every adult, for the children's sake |
The practical trade-off: "bonusfamily" sets a higher bar. You cannot simply declare yourself one; the site is explicit that each member has to commit to working together. If you are in the middle of stepwars, that bar can feel unreachable — which is why the site pairs the concept with ongoing support rather than presenting it as a quick fix.
Try this next
If you want to test whether the bonus mindset fits your situation, pick one recurring friction point — a handoff, a holiday, a discipline disagreement — and ask every adult involved what cooperation would look like there. Bonus Families offers articles on co-parenting and ex-etiquette for exactly these conversations: Bonus Families. For a broader co-parenting framework, see Wiley for the founder's co-parenting book, and general stepfamily guidance from National Stepfamily Resource Center if you want research-based perspective.
Choose "bonusfamily" language if the adults are ready to share responsibility and drop the step-versus-biological hierarchy. Stick with "stepfamily" if you mainly need a neutral, widely understood term — the structure is the same either way; only the commitment differs.
What does 'bonus' mean in a bonusfamily and why use it instead of 'step'?
In Bonus Families' usage, "bonus" is both a label and a commitment. A bonusfamily is technically a stepfamily, but it does not depend on the parents being married. The "bonus" part is described as a state of mind: all parent figures, including exes, cooperate for the sake of the children in their care. When that commitment is made, step mom becomes bonus mom, step dad becomes bonus dad, and step siblings become bonus siblings.
The site prefers "bonus" because "step" carries negative associations — wicked, evil, second best — as in the phrase "red-headed stepchild," meaning someone neglected, mistreated or unwanted. "Bonus" is meant to replace that old concept with a model based on love, empathy and respect for differences.
What this means in practice
- A child might call a parent's new partner "bonus dad" rather than "stepdad," signaling that the relationship is additive rather than a replacement.
- An ex-partner is included in the cooperative circle, not treated as outside the family.
- The term applies whether or not the adults are married.
A useful next step
If you are deciding what language to use in your own household, treat "bonus" as a goal rather than a automatic title. Ask each parent figure — including exes — whether they are willing to cooperate for the children's sake. If the answer is yes, the language can follow. If you are in the middle of stepwars, the site acknowledges it may feel impossible at first, but frames bonus status as something built over time.
For more context, the organization behind this approach is Bonus Families, founded by Dr. Jann Blackstone, who coined the term over 30 years ago.
What support does Bonus Families offer to divorced or separated parents and their new partners?
Bonus Families is a nonprofit support and advocacy organization for divorced or separated parents, their new partners, and the children in their combined households. Its central offering is reframing: instead of "step" family, it promotes "bonus" family, a term founder Dr. Jann Blackstone coined to replace connotations of "wicked" or "second best" with cooperation among all parent figures—including exes—for the sake of the children.
What the site provides
- A definition and mindset, not just a label. A bonusfamily doesn't require marriage; what matters is that every adult commits to working together. When that happens, stepmom becomes bonus mom, stepdad becomes bonus dad, and so on.
- Co-parenting and breakup guidance. The site points visitors to its Ex-Etiquette articles for help with breaking up, starting up, and co-parenting.
- Founder expertise. Dr. Jann Blackstone specializes in divorce, child custody, co-parenting, and stepfamily mediation, and has written books on divorce and parenting.
- A featured book. Co-Parenting For Dummies is listed as a pre-order title, also available through several retailers.
Who it suits
The tone and framing fit parents who want a cooperative, low-conflict blended household and are willing to include ex-partners in that effort. If you are in the middle of open conflict, the site acknowledges that "bonus status" can feel impossible at first and frames it as a gradual commitment rather than an instant fix.
Where to start
Read the Ex-Etiquette articles first if your immediate need is a specific co-parenting dispute, then use the "What's a Bonusfamily?" section to align your household on shared expectations. For a broader perspective on stepfamily research and support, see Stepfamily Foundation.
Who is Dr. Jann Blackstone and what is her approach to co-parenting and stepfamily mediation?
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the founder of Bonus Families, a non-profit that supports divorced or separated parents and their combined households. She specializes in divorce, child custody, co-parenting and stepfamily mediation, and is described on the site as the "Relationship Expert for Today's Relationships" for a "real life, down-to-earth" approach to solving co-parenting relationship problems. She coined the term "bonus" — as in bonus family or bonus parent — more than 30 years ago to counter the negative connotations of "step."
H3 What her approach actually looks like
- Reframe the language. "Step" carries associations like wicked, evil or second best; "bonus" is offered as a replacement built on love, empathy and respect for differences.
- Commitment over marital status. A bonusfamily is technically a stepfamily, but it does not depend on the parents being married. "Bonus" is a state of mind: all parent figures, including exes, cooperate for the sake of the children in their care.
- Everyone participates. The site is explicit that each member has to commit to working together to reach bonus status — it is not just a softer word for stepfamily.
- Practical problem-solving. Her stated focus is day-to-day co-parenting conflict rather than abstract family theory, which is why the site points readers to its Ex-Etiquette articles for breaking up, starting up and co-parenting.
H3 Who this suits, and a realistic next step
If you are a separated or divorced parent, a stepparent, or a mediator looking for language that reduces conflict, this framing is most useful when both households are willing to cooperate. It is less useful if one side refuses contact, since the model assumes participation from all parent figures. A concrete first step: read a few Ex-Etiquette columns on Bonus Families and pick one recurring friction point — handovers, holidays, discipline — then agree on a single rule for it with the other household before tackling the next.
What is Ex-Etiquette and how can it help with co-parenting after a breakup?
Ex-Etiquette is the advice column and article series on Bonus Families that answers questions about breakups, new relationships, and co-parenting. The name is a play on "etiquette": instead of rules for dinner parties, it covers the manners and boundaries that keep separated parents working together for their children.
Bonus Families
What it covers
Based on the site's own description, the articles address "breaking up, starting up and co-parenting." In practice, that means questions like:
- How to communicate with an ex when a conversation tends to turn into a fight
- How to introduce a new partner to children
- How to handle discipline when a stepparent or a parent's partner is involved
- How to keep children out of the middle of adult disagreements
The site frames all of this around the term "bonusfamily." A bonusfamily is technically a stepfamily, but it does not depend on the parents being married. More importantly, "bonus" is described as a state of mind: cooperation among all the parent figures, including exes, for the sake of the children. The founder, Dr. Jann Blackstone, coined the term to avoid the negative weight of "step."
Who it is for
The main audience is divorced or separated parents and their combined families, including stepparents, partners, and extended relatives. If you are in the middle of what the site calls "stepwars," the material is written for exactly that situation. It is less useful for people looking for legal advice, custody statutes, or therapy; it is practical relationship guidance, not a substitute for a lawyer or counselor.
How to use it
Start with the Ex-Etiquette articles when a specific conflict is on your mind, rather than reading them all at once. A useful test: write down the actual question you are facing, such as "My ex's new partner disciplines my son — what do I say?" Then look for a column that matches the situation and compare its suggested wording with your own instincts.
Two other names are worth knowing if you want more perspectives: Coparenting.org and Divorce.com. Both deal with the same broad territory, though neither uses the "bonus" framing.
One practical trade-off: the "bonus" language is encouraging and easy to share with a resistant ex, but it can feel too optimistic when cooperation is genuinely not happening. Treat the articles as scripts and principles to adapt, not as proof that every co-parenting relationship can be made friendly.
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